Little Man

 I'm in love with this baby. I need to be around him and when I'm not, I just ache. When I visit him, and I get to hold him that ache starts to go away. I'm always sad to leave but I'm anxious to get home to see my other babies. I can't wait until we can all be in one place, in one house. I feel like then Sophie will stop feeling confused. She won't have to ask things like, "when am I going to get a real baby brother?" Sam will maybe stop feeling this need to protect everyone and be my therapist. He will sit with me and say things like, "mom I know your sad that you had to leave your baby at the hospital but he'll come home soon." 

Steve feels this need to be there for me and I'm not sure he has even thought of himself or his needs since my water broke. I realize there are sure many other things that could have gone wrong that didn't. I just really hope that when he comes home, He still feels like a newborn. They just change so quickly and I love the newborn stage so much and I don't want to be robbed of it. But at good moments. I'm so happy to be home from the hospital and spend some time with my family. Sam has been out of school and Steve took some time off work. We have been hibernating at home. people from the ward have brought us dinner. the kids have the novelty of new toys to play with. And pretty soon we will have Miles home with us.

Miles Jeffrey Taylor, 4th love of my life

 

 Miles was born this morning at 7:07. His Labor was fast and furious and left us feeling like, "did that just happen?" I had been having contraction for 2 days though. They were hard, painful ones but they never got very close together and they never wanted to check my dialation to see if those contractions were doing anything beccause of the risk of infection was too great. All that night I was trying to breath through really intese labor pains that I was told weren't doing anything productive because they weren't close enough together. I watched the clock through the night til 6:30 am when they were going to induce me. I had my IV and The nurse checked me and She was a little floored to find out I was dialated to a 6. Which made me bawl at the news. I KNEW my body was doing something. The nurse was a rock star and she got my epidural ordered and got the room prepped, and the NICU charge nurse there in like 45 seconds. She was having a hard time keeping him on the monitor and his heart rate was dropping because my body was just dialating so fast. She put a monitor on his head and then was able to keep track of him better. They gave me oxygen and had to remind me to breath, everything that was going on around me and the pain was just so overwhelming. After I started being more conscious of the situation and in the moment, his heart rate went back to normal. She checked me again 15 minutes later and I was a complete 10 cm. The Dr. wasn't responding to his call and they were wondering if they needed a back-up plan. They called in the "on-call" hospital Dr. and he scared the crap out of me. He walked in like a deer in headlights and I could tell he didn't want to deliver me as much as I didn't want him to. I was about to yell out that I just wanted my nurse to deliver me, when the real Dr walked in. He was on a treadmill getting a morning workout in when they finally got a hold of him. He was great. The cord was wrapped around the baby's neck and the Dr. told me I had to push him out fast. I dug deep and got him out in 2 pushes.

When I heard this little man cry... a big, strong, ticked off cry, It was the most incredible feeling. I was so,so releived not only that he was here but that he was strong enough in his lungs and had enough air to let us all know he was okay. I got to hold him for a minute before they took him to the NICCU. He and I are going to be friends I think.

I like this picture of him in spite of the hat. I love his little lips here. He is doing well right now. Not perfect but for his age, his lungs are going to be a little underdeveloped and need a little push. It is hard to see him with IV's and cords and such. He wears a little CPAP on his nose that seem like it bugs him. I haven't seen him open his eyes yet, I just have to remind myslef that it's a gift I am seeing him at all this early and that everything is just going to take more time and patience in these first few months.

One thing that is the same this time around is that I have good milk production. I was so worried because everything is so different this time  around I was trying to prepare myslef that I wouldn't have breast milk but I do! and it makes me feel like a rockstar and that I have SOME control over something. I have more pictures I will upload when I get home but for now here is our little MILES. 

broken waters

December is going by at a snails rate but at the same time I keep hoping time will slow down a bit. I'm in the hospital trying to not have a baby. Which is a whole new concept for me. the other 2 times I have longed for those painful, hard contractions that come with a speedy labor. I did everything I could think of to bring those on. Now I am doing just the opposite. I'm afraid to have the baby right now. I'm afraid of the tininess and fragility of a 34 week old. I'm afraid that my baby is going to be not just a newborm but a preemie. Even saying that word feels scary to me. Babies at born full term are fragile and I feel like even though the doctors and nurses have kept me quite informed, I still don't really know what to expect. I know how to care for a newborn. I know I have a good milk supply. I know what it looks like when the baby is latching right or wrong. I won't even get a chance to feed him at first. That will be the job of a feeding tube. then after that.... who knows. I know that everything will be ok and yes I am so thankful to be in good hands and to hae my son in good hands. It's all just throwing me and I hope I do it all right. I hope I juggle taking care of my baby in the the NICU and my kids at home. They have already been without their mom for a week. It will be ok. It's hard to not have control of the situation.

I guess enough of how I feel. For record purposes her is how it happened.
my water broke on the 13th, a Tuesday, at 3:15. after trying to deciding that I didnt just wet myself, Steve and I drove to the small hospital I had chosen to deliver at. After admitting me, they decided that I needed to go to the bigger hospital because I was only 33 weeks, and they don't deliver babies earlier than 35 weeks. the strapped me to a gurney and hauled me in an ambulance. Never done that before. they gave me a nice room with a nice view and fed me full of antibiotics. I didnt realize that a baby could be ok without amniotic fluid but I guess they can. The big worry is risk of infection. The constantly check my temp to see if I'm running a fever. The plan is to induce me on Thursday, 34 weeks. I will wrote more later. I need to get some sleep.