no more rapunzel

 I cut 5 inches off her hair and didnt even cry. I think we were both ready. I was sad to see the little baby curl on her ends go but at the same time that hair was the cause of many fights and tears. It was so difficult to comb out. Sophie loved her long hair but she seems to love it shorter too. The girls got confidence I guess. She still doesnt want me to do her hair and when I do she always takes it out because it bugs her. At least now there is less hair to look scraggley

Sophie and her favorite person at the moment. She thinks every move he sound he makes is the cutest thing ever and she seems to be very intriuged by his poop. She makes sure to be right there during diaper changes so she can look at his poop. ?? 

Look at that face. He is such s sweet baby.

We had to take miles into an after hours dr the other night because, out of the blue, he became all clammy and pale. It happened a few times that night. The Dr discovered a faint heart murmer. From there, we had made an appointment to see a pediatric cardiologist. The appointment was long. And although I was assured that it is probably nothing and they just wanted to err on the side of caution, I couldn't keep my thought very positive or my palms from sweating or clear the very large lump in my throat. We sat in a clam, dark room for an hour and a half or so while an echo was being done. I had to do my best to keep miles calm and asleep. of course the test didnt hurt him at all. It was so nerve racking to me. When it was over, the cardiologist came in to let us know that everything looked relativley normal. They did find two little holes in his heart that will more than likely close on their own and that is what is causing the murmer. He also said that his heart rate seems to be on the rapid side of things. I'm trying hard not to worry too much or make something out of nothing. I think of hard hard it must be to have a baby that is really truly ill. Miles is growing wonderfully. His weight today is 9 lbs 11 oz. and he is 22 inches long. A nurse has been coming to our home to check his development to make sure he is where he needs to be. She did a few tests and he is doing what he should be for his actual age, (7 1/2 weeks) not his gestational age (1 1/2 weeks) He even smiled today for the first time! He is starting to feel more and more sturdy and less and less fragile.  

Lucky boy

 I told Sophie how lucky Miles was to have a big sister like her and a big brother like Sam. She reminds me of this all the time and goes on a big list of people who aren't as lucky as Miles is. 

She talks a lot about how he is "creamy" instead of preemie. She will say, "mom was I creamy like Miles?" She wants to be right next to me to help with diaper changes and feedings and such. 

 Sam on the other hand has loved his brother more at a distance. He enjoys holding him and is nervous about holding him the right way and making sure his hands are clean enough. He told me, "Mom, the baby can barf on me if he needs to." He is sweet and kind as always.

 He is a lucky boy

 His first 'at home" bath. I wrapped him in a blanket, like they do at the hospital. He slept for a little bit. He probably thought he just was doing his business and wet himself.

sound asleep on Dad.

Miles-stones

Miles is what I have been thinking about lately. it has been quite consuming. I'm trying my best to make sure my other two kiddos are taken care of and are having their needs met. I'm so glad to have a partner in all of this. I so thankful to That Steve is such an involved dad and fills in all the gaps I can't quite seem to fill. 

As for Miles and how he is doing, He is almost up to his birth weight which is fabulous. He was been undergoing some tests to see why his heart rate keeps dipping. They have ruled out acid reflux and are just attributing it to his prematurity. To treat that, They give him a does of caffine every 12 hours. It's hard for me to keep the "why" of everything straight. He is still learning how to eat. It is a bit of a tedious process. He has a good latch and will eat for a good 30 seconds before he seems too tired or dissinterested to eat anymore. then he needs some gentle prodding. Iv'e learned that with a preemie, you can't do too much to get them eating again or they become very overwhelmed. He is getting better. I think because he is getting older everyday. They started doing "test feeds" where they weigh him in grams before he eats, then after to see how much milk he is getting from me. He is a champ most of the time. Today he got 29 grams which I am told is awesome. He needs to be doing that more consistently to be able to go home. 

Aside from his medical stats and all that is happening with that, He is such a sweet baby. Everyday he does more and more things that a typical newborn does. He is starting to to root around when I hold him. I have been told that his "hunger drive" won't kick in until he is around 37 weeks. This post has taken me a few days to complete but Miles is now 10 days old and on Thursday he will be 36 weeks. He is more awake for longer stretches and he has these handsome, big, round eyes. They are his daddy's and Sophies. He has my nose and ears and Sam's mouth. His movements almost seem as if they are in slow-motion, or under water. He likes his fingers and often sucks on 4 of of them at the same time. He makes these sweet, contented noises as he breaths in and out. He loves to be swaddled like most babies do. I have requested a "lead nurse" for him and she is so great. I'm glad I snagged her when I did. I love having someone there who is getting to know my baby and she's very detailed conscious and is just a really good nurse. Plus her last name is Miles... coincidence?? 

Here is a picture of my sweet girl. She asked Santa for an 

"easy O bake oven" this is our first baking experience. She is so excited for miles to come home and seems to be preoccupied by the fact that she is not going to be the littlest anymore.

Little Man

 I'm in love with this baby. I need to be around him and when I'm not, I just ache. When I visit him, and I get to hold him that ache starts to go away. I'm always sad to leave but I'm anxious to get home to see my other babies. I can't wait until we can all be in one place, in one house. I feel like then Sophie will stop feeling confused. She won't have to ask things like, "when am I going to get a real baby brother?" Sam will maybe stop feeling this need to protect everyone and be my therapist. He will sit with me and say things like, "mom I know your sad that you had to leave your baby at the hospital but he'll come home soon." 

Steve feels this need to be there for me and I'm not sure he has even thought of himself or his needs since my water broke. I realize there are sure many other things that could have gone wrong that didn't. I just really hope that when he comes home, He still feels like a newborn. They just change so quickly and I love the newborn stage so much and I don't want to be robbed of it. But at good moments. I'm so happy to be home from the hospital and spend some time with my family. Sam has been out of school and Steve took some time off work. We have been hibernating at home. people from the ward have brought us dinner. the kids have the novelty of new toys to play with. And pretty soon we will have Miles home with us.

Miles Jeffrey Taylor, 4th love of my life

 

 Miles was born this morning at 7:07. His Labor was fast and furious and left us feeling like, "did that just happen?" I had been having contraction for 2 days though. They were hard, painful ones but they never got very close together and they never wanted to check my dialation to see if those contractions were doing anything beccause of the risk of infection was too great. All that night I was trying to breath through really intese labor pains that I was told weren't doing anything productive because they weren't close enough together. I watched the clock through the night til 6:30 am when they were going to induce me. I had my IV and The nurse checked me and She was a little floored to find out I was dialated to a 6. Which made me bawl at the news. I KNEW my body was doing something. The nurse was a rock star and she got my epidural ordered and got the room prepped, and the NICU charge nurse there in like 45 seconds. She was having a hard time keeping him on the monitor and his heart rate was dropping because my body was just dialating so fast. She put a monitor on his head and then was able to keep track of him better. They gave me oxygen and had to remind me to breath, everything that was going on around me and the pain was just so overwhelming. After I started being more conscious of the situation and in the moment, his heart rate went back to normal. She checked me again 15 minutes later and I was a complete 10 cm. The Dr. wasn't responding to his call and they were wondering if they needed a back-up plan. They called in the "on-call" hospital Dr. and he scared the crap out of me. He walked in like a deer in headlights and I could tell he didn't want to deliver me as much as I didn't want him to. I was about to yell out that I just wanted my nurse to deliver me, when the real Dr walked in. He was on a treadmill getting a morning workout in when they finally got a hold of him. He was great. The cord was wrapped around the baby's neck and the Dr. told me I had to push him out fast. I dug deep and got him out in 2 pushes.

When I heard this little man cry... a big, strong, ticked off cry, It was the most incredible feeling. I was so,so releived not only that he was here but that he was strong enough in his lungs and had enough air to let us all know he was okay. I got to hold him for a minute before they took him to the NICCU. He and I are going to be friends I think.

I like this picture of him in spite of the hat. I love his little lips here. He is doing well right now. Not perfect but for his age, his lungs are going to be a little underdeveloped and need a little push. It is hard to see him with IV's and cords and such. He wears a little CPAP on his nose that seem like it bugs him. I haven't seen him open his eyes yet, I just have to remind myslef that it's a gift I am seeing him at all this early and that everything is just going to take more time and patience in these first few months.

One thing that is the same this time around is that I have good milk production. I was so worried because everything is so different this time  around I was trying to prepare myslef that I wouldn't have breast milk but I do! and it makes me feel like a rockstar and that I have SOME control over something. I have more pictures I will upload when I get home but for now here is our little MILES. 

broken waters

December is going by at a snails rate but at the same time I keep hoping time will slow down a bit. I'm in the hospital trying to not have a baby. Which is a whole new concept for me. the other 2 times I have longed for those painful, hard contractions that come with a speedy labor. I did everything I could think of to bring those on. Now I am doing just the opposite. I'm afraid to have the baby right now. I'm afraid of the tininess and fragility of a 34 week old. I'm afraid that my baby is going to be not just a newborm but a preemie. Even saying that word feels scary to me. Babies at born full term are fragile and I feel like even though the doctors and nurses have kept me quite informed, I still don't really know what to expect. I know how to care for a newborn. I know I have a good milk supply. I know what it looks like when the baby is latching right or wrong. I won't even get a chance to feed him at first. That will be the job of a feeding tube. then after that.... who knows. I know that everything will be ok and yes I am so thankful to be in good hands and to hae my son in good hands. It's all just throwing me and I hope I do it all right. I hope I juggle taking care of my baby in the the NICU and my kids at home. They have already been without their mom for a week. It will be ok. It's hard to not have control of the situation.

I guess enough of how I feel. For record purposes her is how it happened.
my water broke on the 13th, a Tuesday, at 3:15. after trying to deciding that I didnt just wet myself, Steve and I drove to the small hospital I had chosen to deliver at. After admitting me, they decided that I needed to go to the bigger hospital because I was only 33 weeks, and they don't deliver babies earlier than 35 weeks. the strapped me to a gurney and hauled me in an ambulance. Never done that before. they gave me a nice room with a nice view and fed me full of antibiotics. I didnt realize that a baby could be ok without amniotic fluid but I guess they can. The big worry is risk of infection. The constantly check my temp to see if I'm running a fever. The plan is to induce me on Thursday, 34 weeks. I will wrote more later. I need to get some sleep.

halloween

Sophie was Belle this year. My mom made her costume. Sammo was a ninja. I love love Halloween. I myself enjoy dressing up but did no such thing this year. Too pregnant, too tired, and too without any decent ideas. 

Sophie seems to think that princesses don't smile showing their teeth. She enjoyed the attention from the people giving out the candy. Well attention and the fact that people were giving out candy. She kept saying, "I really love Halloween... this is so much fun." She enjoyed staying coming home and being the one to give the later trick-or-treaters their treats. 

Sam bought his own costume this year. He has a lot of options in his closet he could have been and I didn't really see the need to buy an entirely new one. He spotted this red ninja online and drooled over it for a few days. With a good price to top it off, the deal was done. 

He and Dad went out for about an hour after soph and I were done and hit more houses. He wanted to weigh his loot when he got home and he ended up with 3 and a half pounds of treats.