On Motherhood

   This is something that fills me with so much emotion that it is hard to breath sometimes. I have always, always wanted to be a mom. I feel silly calling it a privilege, as if I did something to earn the chance to be a mother. But I most definitely feel privileged and ridiculously lucky to have my babies.  Those tiny arms that wrap around my neck at bedtime are as good as any mood enhancing elixer. When my little girl pats my cheeks and tells me I smell nice and then with a big goofy smile on her face and a giggle in her voice parrots my nighttime farewell, "goodnight babycakes"... "na-night baby cakes,"
   My whole body just fills full of gratitude, even though 10 minutes before I was wishing I could just be off duty and wondering why my children  would not give up and go to bed. "no sam you can't have ramen noodles right now... because you just had a snack and it's 30 minutes passed your bedtime....  and mama is just so done."  overwhelmed is so often in the mix of my motherhood emotional cocktail.
   Then there are the nights that I come home from work to a quiet house. In a way, blissfully quiet. My kids are asleep and Steve is at work. I get the rundown of the days activities from Grandma... happy that I got to avoid Sophie's tantrum over not getting to wear a fancy dress and purse to bed, and relieved that Sam's homework is done. I go to check on Sam and he, in his deep slumber doesn't flinch or flicker at my smooch on his warm cheek. I wonder how his day went. I start to feel guilty that I wasn't home when he got home from school that day... guilty that it's not my signature on his homework... guilty that I may be doing this all wrong and that I may in fact be setting him up for a life of him wondering why his mom wasn't there. I think Guilt is an emotion that every mother carries with them almost always. The gratitude and the guilt and the feeling overwhelmed and just the intesnity of love and responsibility is a lot to make any "my mom's the best" mug runneth over.
  Not only did I grow in pant size and bra size after becoming a mom, I think I grew some extra tear ducts. I can get choked up at the craziest, tiniest things especially when those things involve my kiddos, or any random person's kids on television. I just need to remember to take deep breaths, so my body can keep up with these very tangible, incredible feelings.